Corporate Raiders 2.0: When Carl and Bill and George Met Mary Jo

Carl Icahn @I_Make_Money_You_Have_A_Problem_With_That? Have taken large position in APPLE. See BIG GAINS soon.

Bill Ackman @Never_Shorting_Again. You don’t use ALL CAPS, Carl. This is Twitter, not Facebook. And we have taken a bigger position in Air Products than you have in Apple.

Icahn: My Apple is bigger than your Air Products. Ackman: Show me. Icahn: I don’t have to show YOU, punk.

Ackman: What’s your thesis on Apple, Carl?

Icahn: Talked to Tim Cook. Very nice chat. Says they are coming out with a “smart” phone in September.

Ackman: They already make a smartphone. Like, their fifth iteration.

Icahn: Oh, Mr. Big Words. Tim Cook says it will read fingerprints. That would save police time doing stop & frisk. IT WILL BE BIG.

Ackman: Fingerprints? It’s biometric, Carl, not for fingerprinting.

Icahn: It’s biotech, too! A “smart” phone AND biotech drug. APPLE WILL BE BIG.

Ackman: There’s those caps again. Who types for you, old man? Your great-great-great grandson? Icahn: Punk. Your mother was a camp-follower. Ackman: Don’t know what that means. Translate. Icahn: Look it up in the dictionary. Ackman: Dictionary! Okay Carl, getting my Webster’s down from the shelf right now… Icahn: You are a punk. A snotty, wise-guy punk. Ackman: Is that the only adjective you know? I’ll give you my thesaurus, too. You can put it on your bookshelf next to the Encyclopedia Britannica collection.

Icahn: A wise-guy punk.

Ackman: Anyway, “punk” is good. The Ramones were punk, Carl. But you were probably more a Vic Damone guy, right? Icahn: A spoon-fed, daddy’s boy punk.

Ackman: ‘Danke Schoen,’ was that your song, Carl?

Icahn: Wayne Newton sang that, not Vic Damone. Ackman: Sorry, Carl. I was trading stock options between classes in junior high while you were out there bankrupting airlines.

Icahn: I didn’t bankrupt any airline!

Ackman: Ever hear of TWA?

Icahn: I rescued TWA!

Ackman: Like the Godfather rescued Moe Green.

Icahn: [Very bad language] Punk! So today you’re bankrupting department stores. Give me a break. Ackman: Ever been in a Penney’s? They needed all the help they could get. We tried.

Icahn: I shop at TJ Maxx. I never pay retail, Bill. You know that. Ackman: You paid retail for DELL. How’s that working out for ya? Icahn: Better than Penney’s for you. Think I’ll short Penney. Right now. Ackman: Go ahead. I’ll loan you my stock. Icahn: Serve you right, you punk. Better yet, gonna buy more Herbalife right now. George Soros @George_Swings: Good idea Carl, I’m going to buy more HLF too.

Ackman: Hi George, didn’t know you were on this thread Soros: No, I’m not on the treadmill. Ackman: I said, “thread.” That’s what this is called.

Icahn: He’s a little deaf, Ackman: Give him some respect.

Soros: I just had sex with a very pretty young supermodel from Belarus. I met her in Davos shopping with my 5th ex-wife. Thought I would say that.

Ackman: Save it for Facebook, George. This is Twitter.

Soros: My assistant is putting the video up on YouTube. Then she will leak it to the New York Post.

Icahn: You might not want to do that, George.

Ackman: Are we done here, gentlemen?

Icahn: Not with you, punk. I’m buying more Herbalife right now.

Ackman: Go ahead. I’ll sell you mine. Icahn: ??? Thought U were short HLF. Soros: #$%@#$%@ I thought so too. Carl, you told me Ackman was short $1B HLF. Icahn: That’s what he told everybody at that stupid conference, George. So I went long. Soros: My face is not as wrinkly as it appears in the New York Post.

Icahn: George, what are you talking about?

Soros: I am watching the video in my private nightclub. It’s midnight in Switzerland. Or St. Barts. Wherever we are. Ackman: Sorry to tell you guys, but we actually covered the HLF last week. Went long. Icahn: U r such a kidder. Am buying 1mm right now, market not held. Ackman: I am not kidding. We’re long. 1 million shares of HLF, sold to you. Soros: This HLF is going down now, Carl. What did you do? Icahn: I just bought 1mm and it hasn’t had an uptick yet. Soros: I can’t concentrate on the video. What is happening, Carl? Icahn: [Bad word] This [very bad word] punk [bad word] us. Soros: I fired my pilot for less, Carl. Icahn: U can’t fire me, George, I don’t work for U. Soros: U will if Herbalife keeps going down. Can’t U twit something? Ackman: It’s ‘tweet,’ George. You want Carl to ‘tweet’ something.

Icahn: I’ll tweet U right in the East River, U punk.

Ackman: You and what army, Carl?

Soros: I want no armies involved. I am devoted to peace. And sex. Sex and peace.

Mary Jo White @Better_Late_Than_Never: Excuse me, gentleman, good afternoon. We at the SEC have been monitoring these conversations.

Ackman: I was wondering when you would get around to it.

Icahn: Holy [bad word]. Ms. White. What are you doing on this thread?

Soros: Is that a woman who joined us?

White. We are monitoring all these conversations.

Icahn: How the $$#@ do you do that?

White: Ever hear of an agency called the NSA?

Soros: She’s from the agency? I wasn’t expecting her so soon. Let her in, fellows.

Ackman: Not that kind of agency, George.

White: We are getting worried that unscrupulous billionaires may be using social media to promote their stocks after they build a position.

Soros: Position?

Icahn: Not that kind of position, George. Keep quiet.

Ackman: You’re in trouble, Carl.

Icahn: What’s the difference between me tweeting I buy Apple and you telling a conference you’re short Herbalife?

Ackman: I laid out the facts as I saw them. You promoted a stock price.

Icahn: This HLF keeps going down. Why didn’t you tweet that you covered your Herbalife and went long?

Ackman: It was my way of saying ‘Danke Shoen’ Carl.

Icahn: Punk.

White: Mr. Icahn, we need to get together. You too, Mr. Soros

Soros: A three-way! I will send the jet to pick you all up…

Jeff Matthews

Author “Secrets in Plain Sight: Business and Investing Secrets of Warren Buffett”

(eBooks on Investing, 2013) $4.99 Kindle Version at Amazon.com

© 2013 NotMakingThisUp, LLC

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