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  • Writer's pictureJeff Matthews

Corporate Raiders 2.0: When Carl and Bill and George Met Mary Jo

Carl Icahn @I_Make_Money_You_Have_A_Problem_With_That? Have taken large position in APPLE. See BIG GAINS soon.

Bill Ackman @Never_Shorting_Again. You don’t use ALL CAPS, Carl. This is Twitter, not Facebook. And we have taken a bigger position in Air Products than you have in Apple.

Icahn: My Apple is bigger than your Air Products. Ackman: Show me. Icahn: I don’t have to show YOU, punk.

Ackman: What’s your thesis on Apple, Carl?

Icahn: Talked to Tim Cook. Very nice chat. Says they are coming out with a “smart” phone in September.

Ackman: They already make a smartphone. Like, their fifth iteration.

Icahn: Oh, Mr. Big Words. Tim Cook says it will read fingerprints. That would save police time doing stop & frisk. IT WILL BE BIG.

Ackman: Fingerprints? It’s biometric, Carl, not for fingerprinting.

Icahn: It’s biotech, too! A “smart” phone AND biotech drug. APPLE WILL BE BIG.

Ackman: There’s those caps again. Who types for you, old man? Your great-great-great grandson? Icahn: Punk. Your mother was a camp-follower. Ackman: Don’t know what that means. Translate. Icahn: Look it up in the dictionary. Ackman: Dictionary! Okay Carl, getting my Webster’s down from the shelf right now… Icahn: You are a punk. A snotty, wise-guy punk. Ackman: Is that the only adjective you know? I’ll give you my thesaurus, too. You can put it on your bookshelf next to the Encyclopedia Britannica collection.

Icahn: A wise-guy punk.

Ackman: Anyway, “punk” is good. The Ramones were punk, Carl. But you were probably more a Vic Damone guy, right? Icahn: A spoon-fed, daddy’s boy punk.

Ackman: ‘Danke Schoen,’ was that your song, Carl?

Icahn: Wayne Newton sang that, not Vic Damone. Ackman: Sorry, Carl. I was trading stock options between classes in junior high while you were out there bankrupting airlines.

Icahn: I didn’t bankrupt any airline!

Ackman: Ever hear of TWA?

Icahn: I rescued TWA!

Ackman: Like the Godfather rescued Moe Green.

Icahn: [Very bad language] Punk! So today you’re bankrupting department stores. Give me a break. Ackman: Ever been in a Penney’s? They needed all the help they could get. We tried.

Icahn: I shop at TJ Maxx. I never pay retail, Bill. You know that. Ackman: You paid retail for DELL. How’s that working out for ya? Icahn: Better than Penney’s for you. Think I’ll short Penney. Right now. Ackman: Go ahead. I’ll loan you my stock. Icahn: Serve you right, you punk. Better yet, gonna buy more Herbalife right now. George Soros @George_Swings: Good idea Carl, I’m going to buy more HLF too.

Ackman: Hi George, didn’t know you were on this thread Soros: No, I’m not on the treadmill. Ackman: I said, “thread.” That’s what this is called.

Icahn: He’s a little deaf, Ackman: Give him some respect.

Soros: I just had sex with a very pretty young supermodel from Belarus. I met her in Davos shopping with my 5th ex-wife. Thought I would say that.

Ackman: Save it for Facebook, George. This is Twitter.

Soros: My assistant is putting the video up on YouTube. Then she will leak it to the New York Post.

Icahn: You might not want to do that, George.

Ackman: Are we done here, gentlemen?

Icahn: Not with you, punk. I’m buying more Herbalife right now.

Ackman: Go ahead. I’ll sell you mine. Icahn: ??? Thought U were short HLF. Soros: #$%@#$%@ I thought so too. Carl, you told me Ackman was short $1B HLF. Icahn: That’s what he told everybody at that stupid conference, George. So I went long. Soros: My face is not as wrinkly as it appears in the New York Post.

Icahn: George, what are you talking about?

Soros: I am watching the video in my private nightclub. It’s midnight in Switzerland. Or St. Barts. Wherever we are. Ackman: Sorry to tell you guys, but we actually covered the HLF last week. Went long. Icahn: U r such a kidder. Am buying 1mm right now, market not held. Ackman: I am not kidding. We’re long. 1 million shares of HLF, sold to you. Soros: This HLF is going down now, Carl. What did you do? Icahn: I just bought 1mm and it hasn’t had an uptick yet. Soros: I can’t concentrate on the video. What is happening, Carl? Icahn: [Bad word] This [very bad word] punk [bad word] us. Soros: I fired my pilot for less, Carl. Icahn: U can’t fire me, George, I don’t work for U. Soros: U will if Herbalife keeps going down. Can’t U twit something? Ackman: It’s ‘tweet,’ George. You want Carl to ‘tweet’ something.

Icahn: I’ll tweet U right in the East River, U punk.

Ackman: You and what army, Carl?

Soros: I want no armies involved. I am devoted to peace. And sex. Sex and peace.

Mary Jo White @Better_Late_Than_Never: Excuse me, gentleman, good afternoon. We at the SEC have been monitoring these conversations.

Ackman: I was wondering when you would get around to it.

Icahn: Holy [bad word]. Ms. White. What are you doing on this thread?

Soros: Is that a woman who joined us?

White. We are monitoring all these conversations.

Icahn: How the $$#@ do you do that?

White: Ever hear of an agency called the NSA?

Soros: She’s from the agency? I wasn’t expecting her so soon. Let her in, fellows.

Ackman: Not that kind of agency, George.

White: We are getting worried that unscrupulous billionaires may be using social media to promote their stocks after they build a position.

Soros: Position?

Icahn: Not that kind of position, George. Keep quiet.

Ackman: You’re in trouble, Carl.

Icahn: What’s the difference between me tweeting I buy Apple and you telling a conference you’re short Herbalife?

Ackman: I laid out the facts as I saw them. You promoted a stock price.

Icahn: This HLF keeps going down. Why didn’t you tweet that you covered your Herbalife and went long?

Ackman: It was my way of saying ‘Danke Shoen’ Carl.

Icahn: Punk.

White: Mr. Icahn, we need to get together. You too, Mr. Soros

Soros: A three-way! I will send the jet to pick you all up…

Jeff Matthews

Author “Secrets in Plain Sight: Business and Investing Secrets of Warren Buffett”

(eBooks on Investing, 2013) $4.99 Kindle Version at

© 2013 NotMakingThisUp, LLC

The content contained in this blog represents only the opinions of Mr. Matthews. Mr. Matthews also acts as an advisor and clients advised by Mr. Matthews may hold either long or short positions in securities of various companies discussed in the blog based upon Mr. Matthews’ recommendations. This commentary in no way constitutes investment advice, and should never be relied on in making an investment decision, ever. Also, this blog is not a solicitation of business by Mr. Matthews: all inquiries will be ignored. And if you think Mr. Matthews is kidding about that, he is not. The content herein is intended solely for the entertainment of the reader, and the author.

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