Hillary’s Campaign In Trouble? Introducing CLINTONS
Big Clinton Fund-Raisers May Run Their Own Ads Rich Backers Huddle With Lawyers to Help Cash-Strapped Effort
WASHINGTON — As Sen. Hillary Clinton faces a money crunch, several of her top fund-raisers are considering using independent organizations to wage their own campaigns on her behalf.
—The Wall Street Journal
Days after the revelation that Hillary Clinton’s Presidential campaign had borrowed $5 million from the candidate’s own fat bank account to make ends meet comes this word the Clinton campaign is so hard up for cash it’s trying to figure out a way to farm out fund-raising to other entities, without violating pesky campaign laws.
The fact that Senator Clinton’s campaign is in crisis is fairly clear to everybody…everybody except the front page editors of the New York Times. The Times, of course, endorsed Clinton when she appeared invincible, which may be why the paper relegates every new report of either an Obama primary victory or a Clinton super-delegate desertion to thin, single-column articles with the muted headlines normally used for cricket matches.
But the diminishing power of the Times’ withering old-economy muscle can’t seem to stop Obama, and the Clinton team, which has blown through more than $100 million with fewer delegates than Obama to show for it—at an average cost of about $100,000 per delegate—needs cash.
So much so that the self-styled “middle class” candidate is loaning millions of her own wealth just to keep the lights turned on, and her staff is hatching some rather far-out schemes to enable her to stay in the race.
In the spirit of this President’s Day Weekend, may we here at NotMakingThisUp suggest another way?
A way that might not only jump-start the troubled Clinton campaign, but also the troubled American economy;
A way that would give hope not just to legions of Hillary fans across the country desperate to see their candidate recover her lead, but to legions of once-highly-paid mortgage-backed securities bankers desperate to find ways to pay the lease on their personal G-5s;
A way that could provide not just enough adrenalin to help the Clinton campaign get back on its feet, but help today’s skittish mortgage-backed credit market get back on its feet.
How, you ask?
Mortgage the White House.
That’s right: we here at NotMakingThisUp officially urge Congress to allow those Titans of Leverage—the mortgage-backed securities bankers who once used their computers to find new ways for status-hungry Americans to satisfy short-term urgings for better cars, bigger plasma TV sets and bathrooms the size of department stores through long-term debt—to help the Clinton campaign borrow all the money it needs against a house Hillary and Bubba don’t yet own, but just might in a year’s time: The White House.
And why not?
White House occupants have been monetizing the place for decades by doling out goodies to large donors—sleepovers in the Lincoln bedroom during the last Clinton administration being one of the less subtle examples.
So just make it official. Let Wall Street’s Best and Brightest help the Clintons the way they helped so many Americans during the housing bubble, consequences be damned!
Precisely how is a point we leave to sharper minds with faster computers, but in the fine tradition of CDOs, CMBSs, HELOCs, RMBSs, REMICs and other financial instruments Wall Street excels at inventing without regards to the human consequences, we suggest the following: “Collateralized Election Obligations.”
Or, in short, “CLINTONS.”
Simply mortgage the White House, room by room, from the Lincoln Bedroom all the way down to the White House Theater and the below-ground hidden bunker. Test the markets with a $100 million face value initial offering and see how it goes. Expand or shrink the deal depending on market demand.
Like any complex debt instrument, our proposed CLINTONS could be sliced and diced into various tranches—room by room—allowing buyers to satisfy their own particular personal goals (financial or otherwise, if you get the idea).
Best of all, with the backing of all those rooms in America’s most famous house, occupied by America’s most powerful woman and Washington’s most fun-loving husband, we’d expect CLINTONS will be rated enthusiastically by the rating agencies.
After all, isn’t everything?
Here then is a brief summary of the prospectus we came up with after, oh, five minutes’ worth of analysis:
Security: CoLlateralized electIoN obligaTiONS (CLINTONS)
Face Value: $100 million (can be increased by adding rooms)
Oval Office Tranche: $25 million Sit in the chair! Get that famous White House operator to track down your friends and invite ’em over!
Or watch Bubba do his famous Bush impersonation, calling Beijing on the Red Phone with a Texas accent and asking for tickets to “those Olympics games ya’ll are having in Taiwan next summer”!
Situation Room Tranche: $25 million The world at your fingertips! Hidden microphones and secret cameras in places you never even heard of before! Help Bubba keep an eye on his latest “situations.”
Especially the Swedish one, if you get our drift.
S&P: Two thumbs up!
Lincoln Bed Room Tranche: $20 million Bubba and Hillary plan to invite David Geffen back for the weekend, to patch things up…then make the little rat spend the night on the couch in Hillary’s room.
Meanwhile, you and Bubba will distract the Secret Service agents from helping the poor guy when the cries for mercy begin!
The Presidential Emergency Operations Center: $20 million Legendary bunker hidden under the East Wing, at your disposal!
You and Bubba scramble some jets and send ’em over Moscow…then order up a posse of smart-missiles to look a little deeper into Putin’s soul than Bush got, if you know what we’re saying.
S&P: Two Thumbs Up!
Cabinet Room Tranche: $5 million Big table, lots of chairs! By day, you’ll witness Hillary conduct long, serious meetings about health care and stuff. Yawn!
By night, you, Bubba and his pals will order up some KFC and Jack, then get ready for the biggest No-Limit Texas Hold-Em game in town! Boo-ya!
Later, it’s back to the Situation Room to check in on Bubba’s Swedish, uh, “situation.”
White House Movie Theater Tranche: $5 million Bubba’s personal video collection, ready to roll!
Did somebody say “‘American Pie’ Weekend Marathon”???
I Am Actually Making This Up © 2008 Jeff Matthews
The content contained in this blog represents the opinions of Mr. Matthews. Mr. Matthews also acts as an advisor and clients advised by Mr. Matthews may hold either long or short positions in securities of various companies discussed in the blog based upon Mr. Matthews’ recommendations. This commentary in no way constitutes a solicitation of business or investment advice. It is intended solely for the entertainment of the reader, and the author.