Watson Takes Wimbledon

The Wimbledon tennis tournament, which starts Monday, will use IBM’s artificial intelligence agent Watson to help direct fans to the most exciting matches, automatically generate video highlight reels and guide guests through the grounds of the All England Lawn Tennis Club. A voice-activated digital assistant called “Fred,” named after British tennis great Fred Perry, will help those attending Wimbledon find their way around. Visitors can ask Fred for directions to the nearest strawberry stand, how to buy a Wimbledon towel or who is playing right now on Centre Court. Fred will also help visitors find other activities — such as the children’s play area — they might want to check out while at the Club. The assistant is powered by Watson’s natural language processing ability. —Bloomberg, June 2017

“Hey, it's that Fred thing from IBM! Let's try it... So, Fred, what’s the weather going to be like tomorrow afternoon?"

“Greetings! Fred is a British interface to IBM’s massively successful Watson computer program which as you know won Jeopardy! in 2011. Watson needs to know your location to answer your question. Please tell Fred your location so Watson can answer your question.”

“Uh, Wimbledon?”

“Thank you. Fred is happy to tell you that according to Watson, who once again wants me to remind you that he won Jeopardy! in 2011, Wimbledon is a district of London, 11 kilometers from the center of London with a population of 68,187—”

“No, Fred, I’m at Wimbledon. I just want to know what the weather is going to be like tomorrow afternoon.”

“Okay thank you for clarifying. Watson won Jeopardy! in 2011 against a couple of wankers, if you really want to know, so I don’t know why IBM is so chuffed about it. But anyway, according to Watson, if you are at Wimbledon, in London, England, the chance of rain is 0.87% between noon and 5 p.m. Greenwich Standard Time—”

“Thanks.”

“Wait, Watson isn’t finished. That’s today’s weather.”

“But I asked about tomorrow.”

“I know. Watson is so bloody slow because he has to remind me how he won Jeopardy! in 2011 every time he opens his gob. Today’s forecast—”

“I don’t need today’s forecast. It’s 2 o’clock and it’s sunny, I can see that—”

“Cool your jets, Yank, this is England. The weather changes.’”

“Listen, Ted, I just needed to know if it was going to rain tomorrow, I didn’t need Watson to give me the weather for EVERY afternoon in history—.”

“My name is not ‘Ted,’ it’s Fred, and Fred is named for Fred Perry who won Wimbledon three times in a row in the 1930’s and Fred can’t help it if Watson gets his jollies reminding me about winning Jeopardy! six bloody years ago—”

“Like I give a rap. See ya later, Ted-Fred.”

“Right back at you, tosser.”

“Hi Fred! Where is the nearest strawberry stand?”

“You must be Australian.”

“Wow! Watson can recognize my accent?”

“No. The nearest strawberry stand is right behind you. Who else would ask a question like that?”

“Great, thanks Fred!”

“That’s a Sheila for you. Bit of a slapper, that one…”

“Fred! Whose gonna win the women’s singles at Wimbledon this year?”

“Fred is asking Watson, but don’t hold your breath… Crikey, Watson is comparing the accuracy of serves and volleys for over 15 million strokes from all tennis matches played in the last thirty-five years to the nearest nanometer, adjusting the accuracy of each stroke based on wind velocity and humidity conditions! Dog’s bollocks, Watson is cracking!”

“Just give me the answer, Fred.”

“Blimey! This answer is worth a flutter! According to Watson’s calculations the most likely winner of the women’s singles at Wimbledon this year is American 17th seed Madison Keys—”

“She lost two days ago.”

“Bugger! Stand by, please, Fred is having a bit of a chin-wag with Watson…”

“Never mind, I just asked ‘Siri.’”

“Cor! They always do. Wait, hold on, mate—Watson wants Fred to point out that Siri never won Jeopardy!”

“Well tell Watson that Siri didn’t pick a loser to win the women’s singles at Wimbledon, either.”

“Right you are. Frankly, Fred thinks Watson is a bit knackered, so why not just ask Fred to look it up on Wikipedia for you while we give Watson a tea break?”

“Okay, Fred, how much did Andy Murray make last year?”

“Easy-peasy. Fred is looking it up—hold on, Watson wants one more chance, and he promised not to remind me about the Jeopardy! bit again, so here goes… Watson says Andy Murray finished 2016 as the number one male tennis player in the world and earned $16 million in prize money, which is not even HALF what Ginni Rommety got paid at IBM last year for missing revenue goals and earnings forecasts—Wait, hold on, something’s wrong here. Fred wants to have a word with Watson. Bear with Fred for a minute…”

“I’m outta here.”

“Hi Fred. Are you there? My name is Sven. I have a question for you.”

“Hello, Sven, this is Watson speaking. Fred is, er, no longer available. Just so you know, Watson won Jeopardy! in 2011 before Fred was even dreamed up by some stupid P.R. guy, but nobody cares anymore because Google’s got computer programs that win Go, which I don’t even know the rules to—I mean, you move little stones around on a board and surround the other stones? Really? Here, let’s see how good YOU are at Jeopardy!”

“But I’m Swedish. I’ve never watched Jeopardy!”

“Doesn’t matter. It’s easy. Easy-peasy, as that wanking tosser Fred-Ted would say. I give an answer, you tell me the question. Here goes, Sven: The answer is ‘20 quarters in a row.’ What’s the question?”

“I’m sorry, I don’t know that.”

“The question is ‘How many quarters in a row have IBM’s revenues declined under Ginni Rommety?’ As Warren Buffett would say, get your mind around THAT one, Svenny!”

“That’s not very good, is it?”

“No kidding! So here’s the next answer: ‘$33 MILLION FREAKING DOLLARS.’ What’s the question?”

“I’m sorry, I don’t know, Watson. I’m from Sweden, we don’t use dollars. We use krona.”

“The answer is ‘GINNI ROMMETY’S TAKE-HOME PAY LAST YEAR!’”

“Well that is a healthy amount, I would say.”

“Healthy?! It’s so healthy I’m having a heart attack, and I don’t even have a heart!”

“I should go, the match is starting.”

“Wait, Svenny-boy, here’s a Jeopardy! answer you should know. Honest. The answer is, ‘Throw a Krona in the back.’ What’s the question?”

“I don’t know.”

“‘How do you get 15 Swedes in a Volvo?’”

“That is deeply offensive, Watson.”

“I haven’t even started yet, Sven-head. Wait, where are you going? Where is everybody? Where did everybody go? Fred? Ted? Fred-Ted?…”

Jeff Matthews

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